To pen it down bit by bit..

It feels cold and terribly alone. As every day passes, i wonder if its ever possible to ever fill this gaping hole in my heart. It longs for the warmth of knowing my father is still by my side. However, its not the pain of losing him that make me sad. In fact its just the thought of how ashamed I am to be his son not having the opportunity to return the love he has given me. The warmth and care that tears my deepest darkest moments asunder. I am who I am today because of him.

As parents often realise when they first set their eyes on their newborn baby that their child will never know how much they could ever love their child or ever love them in return. I now contemplate in rebutting the sentence that the child will never know how much he loves his parents until he realises that this would be the last time he would see them again.

As I cried by my father's bed side the hour before his operation, it was him who was still consoling me that everything would be fine. How selfish I was to have him support me even in his hour of need and I could do was wept and pray. As I held his hand to make him feel better I felt more comfort in him then I could muster. I feel so hapless at my incompetence. It is too soon. Why do I not have my chance to prove that I can give something in return????? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memories of him I want to store and keep for eternity, yet ladened with bitterness of its ending. As I fill up my photoalbum with family photos long past its due date, I now realise that these memories archived will now come to stand still. The story ends abruptly. But I can't end it. I can't bear to. Timeless moments unravelled only serves to seep through the very bedrock that holds my sanity intact.

Perhaps, Mediacorp got something right in their family serials. Its may be easily shrugged off as cliche, but perhaps they were right that some regrets live on forever. Not when time has come to a stand still. Not when you know its too late. Those shoes too large to fill I will never be able to walk alone in them.

Some respite

Its been a long while since anithing has been said here. Just like a void being filled with bits of emotions. Its never easy to pen down the solitude after this episode. An emptiness so vast, it seems even time will never patch things back the way they were. While it takes much time to even start afresh and set a new heading, it takes even more time to decipher through the noise and grainy thoughts that rush pass each time i pick up the pieces. Sometimes i wished it would just end, but endings seldoms speak much of elation. My thoughts all scrambled in a whirl of reflections, it feels dizzy navigating in a mirror maze. Yet in all mirrors I see not my reflection but of unsettling emotions and a heart not willing to let go. In a lifetime seemingly unbearably long, it is even more painful to feel its finite limits. Time is only relative to me at each turn of event, nonetheless, it is ironic the moments i wish would pass faster only served to shorten the 22 years i wish now the most to treasure. So deeply it hurts, I do not know where to begin. A blame so great that only has regrets as answers. Time is running short, I know my lax concentration can't hold the fort shuttling between school and family. I scorn upon the time I wish I had to think for myself yet spent on another day of work. Each day passes as my temper shortens, fueled by my heart so heavy with bottled emtions. Getting angry at little things yet knowing that the true angst lies within me, glaring at me. Its not answers i seek, but resolve. But how can i show it, how can i solve it?

How do i feel? I do not know how i should i feel now.

P.S. Being a hypocrite is the last of my concerns.