It feels cold and terribly alone. As every day passes, i wonder if its ever possible to ever fill this gaping hole in my heart. It longs for the warmth of knowing my father is still by my side. However, its not the pain of losing him that make me sad. In fact its just the thought of how ashamed I am to be his son not having the opportunity to return the love he has given me. The warmth and care that tears my deepest darkest moments asunder. I am who I am today because of him.
As parents often realise when they first set their eyes on their newborn baby that their child will never know how much they could ever love their child or ever love them in return. I now contemplate in rebutting the sentence that the child will never know how much he loves his parents until he realises that this would be the last time he would see them again.
As I cried by my father's bed side the hour before his operation, it was him who was still consoling me that everything would be fine. How selfish I was to have him support me even in his hour of need and I could do was wept and pray. As I held his hand to make him feel better I felt more comfort in him then I could muster. I feel so hapless at my incompetence. It is too soon. Why do I not have my chance to prove that I can give something in return????? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Memories of him I want to store and keep for eternity, yet ladened with bitterness of its ending. As I fill up my photoalbum with family photos long past its due date, I now realise that these memories archived will now come to stand still. The story ends abruptly. But I can't end it. I can't bear to. Timeless moments unravelled only serves to seep through the very bedrock that holds my sanity intact.
Perhaps, Mediacorp got something right in their family serials. Its may be easily shrugged off as cliche, but perhaps they were right that some regrets live on forever. Not when time has come to a stand still. Not when you know its too late. Those shoes too large to fill I will never be able to walk alone in them.
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ur dad loved u so very much dear.. he always placed your family first in everything above all else and despite all that he had to go through, he wanted life to go on for you and your sisters. To him, nothing else mattered as long as you excelled in your work.. He has been proud of you and will always be because you have done so well.. so continue to do your best for that's all that he wants for you :) life doesn't come to a standstill because of his passing; his memories will be something that both of us will keep; not only for ourselves but also for our kids and their kids, for them to remember how brave their grandfather or their great grand father was and what a wonderful well respected , knowledgable , loving and kind man was who inspired the generation below him to continue his legacy.. daddy will live in our hearts forever :) he is with you everywhere you go, in a corner of your heart to give you the strength to overcome any difficulties.. time will heal it all.. just yourself some time. i miss your dad too :) but i know that somewhere somehow, he knows how very much all of us love him and miss him and he is watching us and protecting us all the way :)
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