Bringing Home the Point

Hmmm......Asia seems to be in havoc and there's mayhem everywhere. I guess its possibly because the world is has gotten much smaller or close knitted since globalisation. Singapore is not alone and cannot survive alone. While tragedies and troubles brew thousands of miles away not marring our physical landscapes, their impact is not in anyway localised and can clearly be felt even as we watch it behind our TVs. The Mumbai siege is quite a wake up call for me as I wonder how we feel so protected under Singapore's Big Brother watch of high level intelligence and security. Maybe we are blessed that nothing has happen in our territory so far. I am no soothsayer to lay claim that we are totally terror proof. It does then bring in mind the even more fragile peace that other countries have and that we go about our lifes thinking everything will be fine. Its something like optimisim in personal probability, there is a lower chance that such bad events will befall me. While we pray hard and work towards zero casualty, it is equally as important to be prepared for the unexpected. Sometimes I feel its more difficult for Singaporeans to accept the unexpected because we plan too much and put alot of faith on predicted outcomes. Such incidents seem so surreal and unthinkable, because we feel the neccessity to rule them out as impossible to happen upon us. While we often compare our state with Israel, esp our armed forces, they seem to have the upper hand controling such situations living with bomb blasts and air raid sirens as their everyday backdrop. I do not by any means feel we need to replicate their scenerio, but the need not to feel shell shocked anymore.

To pen it down bit by bit..

It feels cold and terribly alone. As every day passes, i wonder if its ever possible to ever fill this gaping hole in my heart. It longs for the warmth of knowing my father is still by my side. However, its not the pain of losing him that make me sad. In fact its just the thought of how ashamed I am to be his son not having the opportunity to return the love he has given me. The warmth and care that tears my deepest darkest moments asunder. I am who I am today because of him.

As parents often realise when they first set their eyes on their newborn baby that their child will never know how much they could ever love their child or ever love them in return. I now contemplate in rebutting the sentence that the child will never know how much he loves his parents until he realises that this would be the last time he would see them again.

As I cried by my father's bed side the hour before his operation, it was him who was still consoling me that everything would be fine. How selfish I was to have him support me even in his hour of need and I could do was wept and pray. As I held his hand to make him feel better I felt more comfort in him then I could muster. I feel so hapless at my incompetence. It is too soon. Why do I not have my chance to prove that I can give something in return????? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Memories of him I want to store and keep for eternity, yet ladened with bitterness of its ending. As I fill up my photoalbum with family photos long past its due date, I now realise that these memories archived will now come to stand still. The story ends abruptly. But I can't end it. I can't bear to. Timeless moments unravelled only serves to seep through the very bedrock that holds my sanity intact.

Perhaps, Mediacorp got something right in their family serials. Its may be easily shrugged off as cliche, but perhaps they were right that some regrets live on forever. Not when time has come to a stand still. Not when you know its too late. Those shoes too large to fill I will never be able to walk alone in them.

Some respite

Its been a long while since anithing has been said here. Just like a void being filled with bits of emotions. Its never easy to pen down the solitude after this episode. An emptiness so vast, it seems even time will never patch things back the way they were. While it takes much time to even start afresh and set a new heading, it takes even more time to decipher through the noise and grainy thoughts that rush pass each time i pick up the pieces. Sometimes i wished it would just end, but endings seldoms speak much of elation. My thoughts all scrambled in a whirl of reflections, it feels dizzy navigating in a mirror maze. Yet in all mirrors I see not my reflection but of unsettling emotions and a heart not willing to let go. In a lifetime seemingly unbearably long, it is even more painful to feel its finite limits. Time is only relative to me at each turn of event, nonetheless, it is ironic the moments i wish would pass faster only served to shorten the 22 years i wish now the most to treasure. So deeply it hurts, I do not know where to begin. A blame so great that only has regrets as answers. Time is running short, I know my lax concentration can't hold the fort shuttling between school and family. I scorn upon the time I wish I had to think for myself yet spent on another day of work. Each day passes as my temper shortens, fueled by my heart so heavy with bottled emtions. Getting angry at little things yet knowing that the true angst lies within me, glaring at me. Its not answers i seek, but resolve. But how can i show it, how can i solve it?

How do i feel? I do not know how i should i feel now.

P.S. Being a hypocrite is the last of my concerns.

So long...

Its been too long since the last post, partially cause its been even longer since Holiday started that I had the time to take 5. Working, Hall Work, Slp. This daily routine kinda feels like taking on 2 jobs at one go. In fact it seems busier than during term time. But I shan't fret any further cause I work is ending in 1 day's time!! yes!!

Before its all celebrations and goodbyes, i must admit that despite the hard work coping with everything it was one hell of good working experience. Kinda made me realise certain relevance of my studies in the relevant field. I guess without studying it would still certainly be possible to pick it up but i guess with lesser understanding means taking longer to learn. It also made me realise that I have not made the wrong choice of working beyond the desk. Instead of working 9 to 5 in some air conditioned high rise like most people do, it sure makes work more exciting when everything around it hands on. Sure looking forward to the next attachment next year! =)

The cost of being rich

Perhaps its good to know that you will eventually be well remunerated, the definitive path is set in stone unless someone blows it up to a million gazillion pieces and you cant salvage it back. Well, to begin with no one said carving on stone was easy, and the saying "zhi yao you heng xin, tie bang mo chen zhen". The only catch is that no one described how long it tooked and how many hours a day that could be spent on other activities was spent rolling the bar. In a larger sense, how much will i give up to make it, more so do i need to be what i think is a standard of living i always wanted. Putting things into perspective, it sometimes ends with a no. Whilst working in the shipyard has put some good sense of how much it is worth in dollars and cents, it sometimes doesnt make much sense though. 6 days a week, maybe sometimes 7 days a week, with extended hours. Sure if i were a swinging bachelor, I would gladly put in the hours. However, its time to reconsider wat i want in life, or how things will end up in the long run. Its a tough choice, because I don't think its possible at this point to confidently pin point what I want and how much i really want it. The grass is alwasy greener on the other side, take to one side and the other temptation beckons. Although it would be also good to note that being a fence sitter would be the worst case scenerio, cause u can't get the full rewards of either side. haha.

VIP

I just found out that in Year 2 holiday can go for a 3 month Vacation Induction Programme (VIP) or something of this sort which is worth 6 MCs!! Straight SU from UEM not counted into the 12 MCs. This is 3 months which is shorter than the IA of 6 months that will be worth 13 MCs but will eat into the sem time. Since I will be going to JSL to work for 2 month next year, I might as well kill 2 birds with one stone and do the VIP too by extending my attachment by 1 month!!! But this means cannot do special sem. hehe.

Time to start work again!

Right! Exams have just ended about 5 days ago and i can alr feel the impending doom of going to in another 3 days time! So much for a good rest during the hols. Achallie, I can already forsee that i wont be having much holiday time for the next week yrs in uni. Still, the ungodly working hrs is one of the only setbacks of working so far. The latest reporting letter i got spelt out trouble:

"please report to JSPL on 12/05/08 at 0730 hrs, the address is as follow:

Jurong Shipyard Pte Ltd

29 Tanjong Kling Road

Singapore 628054"

Now where in the world is that???? I bet its nearer to Malaysia than Orchard. haha.. well whatever, if i could only phatom the adage that the early bird catches the worm, I would gladly wake at 530am. Now tats not a choice, its is a MUST!

Haha. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!

Coyote and Roadrunner - Zip 'n' Snort

Damn

Towards the end of the sem

It feels bad thats for sure. Or it would be difficult to say how it feels cause its a myriad of emotions lumped together. Strange to say fusion food taste weird sometimes, but this is worst as there is no way to puke out my heart. I heard this song "Paint the silence" and it makes sense of how i should be feeling now, save that i should be singing to the exam papers. haha. In any case, the higher you hope the harder you fall. It seems falling is seldom an alternative route to take when you want to fly. This sem seems like a tonne of feathers, still falling.

Well, no matter what, unlike that in cartoons, gravity acts on you whether you are looking down or not.

Flopped my meeting

Its kinda usual, with so much in mind, with so much to do, its difficult to pinpoint where to start. I am dazed with a myriad of colors bursting into puffs of smoke. Yes all smoke, thats how my first meeting went. Not too good I would say, but it could have been worst. The final say is that some info got passed down, but it was a dud because our committee is kinda directionless. This is proving to be more arduous then i expected, not to mention having me a blind to lead the blind. Next thing to improve is to get my top few positions more stable people in the front. Got to do this outside meeting time. Do not lose track in my meetings, stick to the agenda and make decisions promptly. Well not so easy when i myself is not sure of the outcome. So where am I going to find a director!!?!??!?! Currently, the plan is there, however, the implementation is still far from perfect. The collaboration of minds is more like a collaboration of 1. Worst of all, I cant seem to get anything part of the meeting right. Something seems to be wrong, I know it. But I cant pin point what is wrong.

So why be a producer??? Perhaps its about time to relook at this quote:
"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

The Classic - A classic

Wow, its been a while since i have watched a movie especially with a guy. Sounds gay, but thats what it is like in hall. 2 guys in a room, munching on tid bits and glued to a 15.4' bright view LCD screen supported by true surround sound. Though i wouldn't say the show is academy award standard it still was quite good for a Love Story. Korean it is, and with a name The Classic it doesn't really sound that interesting. While it lives up to a typical Korean setting with tonnes and tonnes of tears and lots of cliche stuff, watching a love movie after so long does make me feel humane again.

Drowned in my work, it becomes more apparent how surreal everything will seem once its all over, this exam, university life, practically everything that was done. Gone in a jiffy! This kinda explains why i have such a poor memory for such events, well unlike studying I dont really have the time to process what I have actually done in my life. Surely, what has this got to do with the show??!?!

Well, The Classic just makes life seem wonderful and miraculous, how a sad love story actually blossoms to a beautiful relationship in the next generation by some mere coincidence. But things in my world never turn out this way, it never works when i dont work for it. I don't believe in pure luck, luck only plays a part when you have greater probability on your side. So when I watch a show that invokes the simple heartwrench it starts to make me wonder if ever such a moment of enlightenment would come, that all this time I was guided unknowingly by some mysterious force to whichever end point. Now its starting to make sense, I don't remember alot of my past because i chose not to, because I chose to look at how the future will be and whatever was done, is done, period. It becomes more significant as I guess, deep within me, despite proving to myself how things should be done on a day to day basis, I still wish my life was more sublime, so that I can absorb the essence of who I am, so that perhaps I will remember who I was or what I did. Reflections feel more complete when you can read thru your life like a book. The only consolation I guess is that people say your life flashes pass your mind just before you die. Perhaps in my last breath of life I can whisper, "Oh, how I wish my life was such!"

Ah-duo-bee!!

Just love adobe photoshop!!! Can make my own picS and edit them to fit anywhere!!!!!! Haha.. the farnie thing is that its quite user friendly and intuitive for such a powerful art engine. You don't need to take course to learn how to use it or read the Dummy's Guide, even for the tougher functions. Just need alot of time, patience, trying out and CTRL Z. Sounds even nicer than MS Excel. Now thats a chore!

TATA

Frankly speaking, I could not believe it when i read the report that Tata bought over Jaguar and Land Rover. The first thing that went thru my mind was, " Haha, the next time i see my neighbours' Jaguar I can tell them they are driving an India Based Car, not so continental anymore." Well, this is only partially true cause the Jaguar factory and her 14 000 workers are still Brits. In any case, it just doesn't feel good that these 2 pedigrees of cars are in the hands of a not so experienced owner. For Tata Motors, its surely a step forward in getting their hands on a whole chunk of technology and car making heritage. For Jag and LR, its plainly a standstill, and it wont be long before they start to stagnate and end up like Lotus. You can't help it, cause making cars is not just about owning the best companies, neither isit buying in technology. Car making is about the soul, passion, and most of all, the pursuit of perfection. Creating a lineage of automotive that will be remembered for its ability to infuse beauty with raw power. What Tata currently is, when they made the Nano, is making a car company that make pieces of equipment, just like machines coming off the factory line.

Finally, I just pondered a little demeaning thought at this twist of fate. Well, not too long ago the British owned everything in India. And now Tata taking over Jag and LR is like chewing back at the British since they are taking over 2 of their hall mark brands of prestige and honour in their automotive industry. The rise of these asian countries just makes history feel smug about the lessons learnt - Serves you right.

Looking to the stars ...beyond infinitum

Turbulent times make me wonder how lucky i am, and misfortunes don't have to occur in my life for it to dawn on me how lucky I am. The world despite becoming more a global village with the onset on technology just feels a little claustrouphobic, but the choices of people whom we meet and decide to spend our times with is still 1 in a billion gazillion. As much as it is said that everyone is just 6 degrees apart, this seemingly small integer misleads us into thinking that knowing everyone is so possible, the world is shrinking. However, in absolute numbers, thats just the impossible.

No matter how i look at it, I feel lucky. I feel foolishly fortunate for being loved by someone who has shown me how to balance my life between the Mc-dreamy and Mcdonald meals. It just seems like a miracle that in my short life span, out of the eternity that has evolved throughout time, that I am able to meet someone who shares my dreams, my life, and ideals. Frankly speaking its worst than finding a needle in a barn yard. Then what makes things better is that, i know i am not an easy person to get along with thus making it enormously difficult to find someone of patience and whole heartedness to accept me for who i am. While its possible to continue ranting on from this point, i just am thankful that at this point of my life, at this gazing moment, I have found someone whom I am confident i want to spend my life together with. The best part is that I can say this confidently because the course we have chartered has set the sails for our journey together.

Feeling sick

Not sure what the hell this is, but everything seems pretty surreal to me now. Head is throbbing to my heart beat, breath smells phlgemy and my whole body is acheing. Well, great way to start the day. Don't think blaming I can blame it from getting off the wrong side of the bed, to begin with there is only one side i can get off or diffuse through the wall on the other side. Anw, it will be a good experience for 2 reasons! Firstly I have not been sick for more than 2 years, come to think of it I dont even know when the last time i was sick since I got out of the army. Although its very alarming, cause hopefully i didnt get the killer flu, but it feels kinda different and unusual to be sick. I couldnt even slp on my bed cause it felt like slping on a bag of stones even though the mattress was DUNLOP latex. Secondly, this is the first time i am going to the UWC to see the doc. Just wanna check out how true the horror stories are there !

Tea Time Special

Tea tempers the spirit and harmonizes the mind, dispels lassitude and relieves fatigue, awakens thoughts and prevents drowsiness, lightens or refreshes the body and clears the perceptive faculties. I need tea!

Only in a childish way..

I think we grow up not knowing ourselves more than we would like to know. Sometimes we just wonder why children are so angelic, all able to be carefree without having to pretend nor pull a veil to shield themselves from the ugly truth. The truth of having to grow up. Face the world, nothings that simple, I would say to anyone. But its the mean world syndrome acting on my nerves. A ride on the SMRT and i know survival is only for the fittest. Who is to say I am wrong? Few who will be frowned at for being immature. Sometimes I wish i was wrong, that we are being childish trying to kid ourselves into growing up and being the adult that has the right to fend himself. The moment we are set upon a social guideline to define the people we will be, it defeats the purpose of being an individual. The essence of acting without the burden of how others will view you just makes life a little easier to breath. Not having someone breathing down your neck, cause it sure smells bad. Take a whiff of fresh air, the world's not all that polluted with such mindsets. The beautiful thing in life is that change is in the air, it comes and go without anyone to control, but just like death, its bound to happen to everyone. Perhaps I would now start a week of seeing the my life in a better light, make it simple, make it easy, make is childishly annoying till the next time someone slaps me out of the ethereal dream.

A pretty big predicament

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn'd. Well said William! His life must have been pretty miserable, and I stand by his mantra. Putting things in perspective, I think fathers should first teach their sons a thing or two about the wrath of women before even enticing them with the birds and the bees. To begin with, there was never any pot of gold in those panties anyway. Before I continue, I would first like to make a disclaimer that any resemblence of my topic has nothing to do with recent events or occurances are purely coincidental but not fictional, it just so happens so that I too have had similar experiences. And trust me when i repeat the sentence "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn'd". That, my friend, is in BOLD.

For those who would like a 101 lesson, lets put it this way, don't open Pandora's box. (If you need to know what it is, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandora's_Box). The temptation is great, the rewards may seem seductive, but the consequences dire. Very similar to the story, even if you do one day find the ultimate reason to open the lid, please have the sanity to keep some HOPE left. Here's why I say this. Scientifically, woman are more emotional creatures, so when their hearts take over their brains it is difficult to make sense out of reasoning. In engineering terms, there is a short circuit which means nothing goes thru the logical thought process. The end product would mean anything ranging from a heated argument to being burnt alive. Do not get me wrong, for I am not discounting the fact that women are an integral part of our lives, or hinting that we should become homosexuals. Just don't in any way think of any means to provoke any of them. Like they say on TV, dont try this at home.

I thought, you think, who confirm

Physics paper. sigh. It was the best of both worlds. Tough and tricky. Well, all i can admit is that I have tried my best. Its kinda irritating in university when what is being taught in lecture and in the notes seem so little yet the scope of testable contents is ambigiuously varied. There is no use spotting questions cause no 2 same ones will come out. You can't blame people for not doing well when most would have studied their asses of for this subject. Its psychologically demoralising when you think you have done your best, but it will never be enough. It sure does not help when all 5 mods share this common trait. So we all thought that university life will more forgiving if one wanted more time for other activities. Mind you to make that assumption. It does not happen in NUS Engineering that I can say.
The main problem now is not so much how much one can study, but how much one can think during the exam. So everyone is given the same time, but everyones thoughts will be different. So after the exam, tricky questions still have no answers and tough ones, well, are left for someone more intellectual to attempt. Not me or you. Like the lecturer, who will further attempt to enlighten the most dense of materials. Perhaps its time to coin a new element, brainium. At any rate, one thing is for sure, the next exam will still continue to elude me till the day we can confirm whats in the syllabus. Half the library??

Rebooting

3 times i started a blog and 3 times i closed it down. Great memories i must have had. Let's say this blog is the start of a new chapter in this miniscule portion of my life. Me ,myself and my thoughts.

Why restart a blog? I don't know whether this is the same for others as well as me. But despite trying to keep a diary far awae from the peeling eyes of others, there are always thoughts which we want someone out there to know how we feel. Thoughts which are uncomfortable to say directly to people, yet we just want to know someone has the opportunity to read our thoughts. After all there is no such thing as a wrong feeling, but perhaps reflecting on why we have such feelings could prove to be more enlightening towards our own scribblings. Make way for a moment of epiphany!