I am back

I don't want to stay in Singapore. Its too cramp, it has no attachment but most of all its the ppl that make SG not too livable. To some extent, I feel the ppl are extremely shallow and, most irritatingly, too materialistic. It difficult to see how much we have evolved from a community like environment to a individualistic one when we are the part of the equation. But taking a step back to reflect on our lives and comparing it with ppl abroad does put our minute country into perspective. Numbers and figures are the main motivation for the continual success of this country, which drives the individual's definition of success to be increasingly narrow banded. Is it wrong to be elitist? I don't think so. Despite its negative connotation, it is important to have a continual cycle of improvement to strive for the best. However, it is precisely this that I would expect the intellectual horizons of ppl who embrace such a concept to broaden their interests and build more depth in the way they view the world. There are many excuses to justify why we need to display such characteristics and it seems like this metamorphasis is essential for survival. However, I need more than mere survival.

lost for words

The hardest essay to compose is one that the heart cannot even phantom. I cannot finish the letter because I cannot bear to pen. The the ending ending marks the start of our separation. Why can't I show someone how much it hurts me as well? The letter should not even exist, cause there is nothing i can write in words that should even reflect how I am feeling now. But its now or never. My feelings are secondary to the strength that is needed to leave with composure.

Madness

In the past 3 weeks I have seen, done and said things that have dire consequences. I do not know if its for the better or the worst, but I know I have been putting on a front I do not like to and of words I didn't believe in. Every facade displayed I hope will someday reap a future better for my family, but each mask donned makes me feel more burdened to be someone who cannot truly say or do what he wants to be. When all quiets down in the middle of night and I can clearly hear the heavy thumping of my heart, hell break lose within. With no one to disturb the intensity of complete isolation, my own thoughts and feelings run wild, untamed from chains of reality. Perhaps thats the reason I am afraid of the dark; I am in the darkness and the day gives me the light I need to continue my work.

from gems to uems

a recent gathering made me realise the usefulness of taking the extra modules outside boring engineering. To be fair, I am not at all complaining for having to complete these extra modules since they are a good weekly get away vacation from the engineering faculty. But in more recent conversations allowed me to understand the techinical lingo from other faculties. The fun part is having many other friends in different faculties learning different cores, yet still being able to converse freely over topics typical to the different field of studies due to the insight given from taking their modules. While i claim not be an expert in whatever is been done across or down the road and in those other labs, it definitely is enjoyable relating to each other while appreciating the techincal aspects of the conversation. It really is a pity though that many people cannot remember much of what they have studied from these modules thinking that it is of little or close to no relevance in their lifes. The truth is, the more specialise the field of study we delve into the more effort we should place on learning a broader. As there is only limited enforcment on how much we should learn, it then falls in our own hands to pick up these life enriching know hows. Perhaps it is for the sake of being a less boring person, but sometimes it is a good way to pull up the CAP too =)

The Brain

I wonder if the brain controls what i am feeling or if I could control the way I want my brain to feel. I wish the latter was possible. They say a positive attitude is impt to make the person feel good and optimistic. However, I sometimes wonder where this attitiude comes from. This feeling of restlessness since preparing for exams til now lingers ever so often when I am alone. I feel that the happiness i harness and portray is transient, that inherently I am extremely sad, worried and vexed. The word 'burdened' would be great at this point in time, cause people around me seem to take for granted that my life is in the green, but it isnt. Ignorance is not always bliss, but it is a relief. Relief that there is someone to lean on or ask in times of hesitance. On that note, I admit, I have no one to lean on. I have to balance the expectations of my family, gf, friends and relatives. Do extremely well for my studies, for failure is not an option for someone like me. Make sure I am not a nerd, while trying to curb my arrogance. Work for a better future, one that exceeds the league of my father. Worse of all. Be a good person. I believe the word tiring is just the tip of the ice berg. There are times i wish i could just hide in isolation and tear to expel this anguish. But thats not expected of me, its a sign of weakness, and I am not expected to be that. In a confusing mixture of love, hate, infatuation, logic, gambles and politics, I wonder how its possible to gather my thoughts. I wonder if i am normal..

the end draws near

I wish i knew how things will end before they do. To forsee the future would be pretty useful especially at times like these. With so many things hanging on a thread, the ending is just another thriller. Twist and turns down a windy road, I wish I knew if i would crash and burn. While the word 'end' ends only at a point I can barely phantom, what i do know is that, with great desire for this week to end as quickly as possible, it only pains to know that each hastened ending speaks of time flown by with the blink of an eye. It difficult to decide how I should feel at the end of each chapter in life, but I hope the ending can speak for itelf. In each phase so predominantly short yet bitterly-sweet, perhaps its not about leaving with a bang or bust, but to leave with as little baggage as possible. So heavy a burden it is to carry the mounting hopes of each unfulfilled chapter that there is much relief in starting afresh. Regret is a surprise much of the time because we never know if we could do more only but at the end. Well, if not it wouldnt be called regret. As each chapter comes to a close, the remaining pages start to thin, there is only so little time we can hardly afford. Just make sure that before u sign off for one last time, be sure your book is worth the read with memories that others can share and leave with one last breath so silent no one knew you left.

~ The longest time away from today is that of yesterday

Success

3 yrs on and the disparity is still great, this can't be.. I can't let this happen anymore, no one should get left behind. Perhaps the teaching is all wrong, the problems does not lie in the content or the context, but a set of skills. Imperative to being effective is not just based on situation awareness but a series of skills used and honed over the years. Reading Stephen Covey's book does raise awareness, yet does not necessarily conclude anything, as it takes more time to realise into actions those printed text.

What can I say is impt at this point? I better write it down so that I won't forget,

Discipline - The ability to do what others cannot because they lack the will power to accomplish
Planning - Make sure a game plan is set forth to guide
Initiative - Having a plan is useless if one doesn't initiate it
Confidence - Lead on even if you are lost
Fun - Never start on anything boring til you have settled your heart in a comfortable place.
Zen - Never forget to appreciate the little things that keep your mind peaceful
Independence - Don't follow for the sake of convenience, do what u know is good for yourself
Decisive - Make a decision even if you hate the outcome of both options
Excuses - Don't give yourself any

just hope i wont forget this, even then I think I am not performing up to mark. Damn!