from gems to uems

a recent gathering made me realise the usefulness of taking the extra modules outside boring engineering. To be fair, I am not at all complaining for having to complete these extra modules since they are a good weekly get away vacation from the engineering faculty. But in more recent conversations allowed me to understand the techinical lingo from other faculties. The fun part is having many other friends in different faculties learning different cores, yet still being able to converse freely over topics typical to the different field of studies due to the insight given from taking their modules. While i claim not be an expert in whatever is been done across or down the road and in those other labs, it definitely is enjoyable relating to each other while appreciating the techincal aspects of the conversation. It really is a pity though that many people cannot remember much of what they have studied from these modules thinking that it is of little or close to no relevance in their lifes. The truth is, the more specialise the field of study we delve into the more effort we should place on learning a broader. As there is only limited enforcment on how much we should learn, it then falls in our own hands to pick up these life enriching know hows. Perhaps it is for the sake of being a less boring person, but sometimes it is a good way to pull up the CAP too =)

The Brain

I wonder if the brain controls what i am feeling or if I could control the way I want my brain to feel. I wish the latter was possible. They say a positive attitude is impt to make the person feel good and optimistic. However, I sometimes wonder where this attitiude comes from. This feeling of restlessness since preparing for exams til now lingers ever so often when I am alone. I feel that the happiness i harness and portray is transient, that inherently I am extremely sad, worried and vexed. The word 'burdened' would be great at this point in time, cause people around me seem to take for granted that my life is in the green, but it isnt. Ignorance is not always bliss, but it is a relief. Relief that there is someone to lean on or ask in times of hesitance. On that note, I admit, I have no one to lean on. I have to balance the expectations of my family, gf, friends and relatives. Do extremely well for my studies, for failure is not an option for someone like me. Make sure I am not a nerd, while trying to curb my arrogance. Work for a better future, one that exceeds the league of my father. Worse of all. Be a good person. I believe the word tiring is just the tip of the ice berg. There are times i wish i could just hide in isolation and tear to expel this anguish. But thats not expected of me, its a sign of weakness, and I am not expected to be that. In a confusing mixture of love, hate, infatuation, logic, gambles and politics, I wonder how its possible to gather my thoughts. I wonder if i am normal..

the end draws near

I wish i knew how things will end before they do. To forsee the future would be pretty useful especially at times like these. With so many things hanging on a thread, the ending is just another thriller. Twist and turns down a windy road, I wish I knew if i would crash and burn. While the word 'end' ends only at a point I can barely phantom, what i do know is that, with great desire for this week to end as quickly as possible, it only pains to know that each hastened ending speaks of time flown by with the blink of an eye. It difficult to decide how I should feel at the end of each chapter in life, but I hope the ending can speak for itelf. In each phase so predominantly short yet bitterly-sweet, perhaps its not about leaving with a bang or bust, but to leave with as little baggage as possible. So heavy a burden it is to carry the mounting hopes of each unfulfilled chapter that there is much relief in starting afresh. Regret is a surprise much of the time because we never know if we could do more only but at the end. Well, if not it wouldnt be called regret. As each chapter comes to a close, the remaining pages start to thin, there is only so little time we can hardly afford. Just make sure that before u sign off for one last time, be sure your book is worth the read with memories that others can share and leave with one last breath so silent no one knew you left.

~ The longest time away from today is that of yesterday

Success

3 yrs on and the disparity is still great, this can't be.. I can't let this happen anymore, no one should get left behind. Perhaps the teaching is all wrong, the problems does not lie in the content or the context, but a set of skills. Imperative to being effective is not just based on situation awareness but a series of skills used and honed over the years. Reading Stephen Covey's book does raise awareness, yet does not necessarily conclude anything, as it takes more time to realise into actions those printed text.

What can I say is impt at this point? I better write it down so that I won't forget,

Discipline - The ability to do what others cannot because they lack the will power to accomplish
Planning - Make sure a game plan is set forth to guide
Initiative - Having a plan is useless if one doesn't initiate it
Confidence - Lead on even if you are lost
Fun - Never start on anything boring til you have settled your heart in a comfortable place.
Zen - Never forget to appreciate the little things that keep your mind peaceful
Independence - Don't follow for the sake of convenience, do what u know is good for yourself
Decisive - Make a decision even if you hate the outcome of both options
Excuses - Don't give yourself any

just hope i wont forget this, even then I think I am not performing up to mark. Damn!

toes threaded on

Pretty agitated today because Melissa got some sterile fluid sprayed on her that came from a HIV postive fella. Worry turns to anger because of the lack of understanding, not the lack of understanding for HIV, but that of the need to. Well apparently this guy has a history of promiscuity probs which is why he ended up in this disgusting state. No pitance or sympathy shall be spared for even in his dying breaths is he causing trouble to someone i love. If i had it my way he will prob be dead by now. Not trying to play God here, it just being angry. I mean he probably doesn't even care about the danger he is posing to others with his inconsiderate actions. Just lying there on the hospital bed. In the first place how the hell did he end up in the miserable state? haha wat a bugger! sure dont wanna end up like him. If anithing were to happen to melissa I will personally trip over his life support system.

Fixation

Too long has it been since the need to write has been chanced upon. Not once a blue moon, for a lifetime does not span across eternity. The need arises when the heart seeks the avenue to speak to the blind, for the blind do not see yet they still hear. Walls have ears but this medium seeks no walls, it finds solace at the end of the day. That's how time speaks for itself.

To be frank, a period of drought empties the land of its inhabitants yet the lack of content ironically makes this virtual domain quite preferably quaint. Like a little retreat that sits at the ends of the earth, minute, unnoticeable, inconspicuous. Only those who chance upon this will know, but it doesn't matter, for it may concern no one. Till I find a way to lock up this place up and I mean it.

It unimaginable how the search for peace by itself leads to unrivaled internal confusion, so messed up a puzzle, that when put together reveals another enigma. As the world whirls past, there is barely enough time to see my clearer reflection. Perhaps I was not as well liked in the past, but I knew my identity. I knew who I was, because my actions where true to my heart. Now I am everyone, everyone but myself. The untamed heart feels like it was never meant to be kept in restraints, yet the effect is undoubtedly crippling. So crippling, it hurts beyond redemption.

Speaking of missing identity, weird as it seems, this came to mind abruptly when chatting one early evening. Mischievously, it felt extremely tempting to ask if one would still be my friend if I had nothing more to teach. Just one day when I knew nothing more than anyone else. Yet it was frightening, because in a few spins around the sun, I felt it could be true. So real the feeling for pseudo me.

The ole saying that time heals all wounds, if not flawed, is a fallacy. Well then again, all sweeping statements are obviously lies (haha..circular reasoning). The pain I feel over a lost family member last year is still as raw like it happened all over yesterday. The thought of getting over it is not a hurdle that can be crossed by spamming my mind with work. The burden gets heavier each day, yet it is a possibility of me not being myself. To release myself from this bondage will only let the ones I love down, but these obligations have no end. At least while mowing the lawn, it did dawn upon me the advantages of going to the grave. That is, everything ends.

The stakes are high, on one hand balances a safe house for the ones I love and on the other myself. But then again, who am I in this big picture, but a small speck only to be smoldered by expectations.

And blog, do you know whats the worst part? I have no one to tell this explicitly to. If you have read thus far, no congrats. For I am lost in many ways. Just like an entry that leads no where, it shouldn't have to end anywhere. Without a destination there cannot be an ending.

Bringing Home the Point

Hmmm......Asia seems to be in havoc and there's mayhem everywhere. I guess its possibly because the world is has gotten much smaller or close knitted since globalisation. Singapore is not alone and cannot survive alone. While tragedies and troubles brew thousands of miles away not marring our physical landscapes, their impact is not in anyway localised and can clearly be felt even as we watch it behind our TVs. The Mumbai siege is quite a wake up call for me as I wonder how we feel so protected under Singapore's Big Brother watch of high level intelligence and security. Maybe we are blessed that nothing has happen in our territory so far. I am no soothsayer to lay claim that we are totally terror proof. It does then bring in mind the even more fragile peace that other countries have and that we go about our lifes thinking everything will be fine. Its something like optimisim in personal probability, there is a lower chance that such bad events will befall me. While we pray hard and work towards zero casualty, it is equally as important to be prepared for the unexpected. Sometimes I feel its more difficult for Singaporeans to accept the unexpected because we plan too much and put alot of faith on predicted outcomes. Such incidents seem so surreal and unthinkable, because we feel the neccessity to rule them out as impossible to happen upon us. While we often compare our state with Israel, esp our armed forces, they seem to have the upper hand controling such situations living with bomb blasts and air raid sirens as their everyday backdrop. I do not by any means feel we need to replicate their scenerio, but the need not to feel shell shocked anymore.